This is our face too Clair. You are growing up way too fast and we aren’t sure if we like it. Also, life is rough when you lose all of your hair. Please hair, grow back soon.
I must admit, life has been much easier now that I’m getting the hang of a routine. The first couple weeks were some of the most emotional weeks of my life. I didn’t even know that I was capable to be that emotional.
The absolute hardest thing for me is letting go of my old life. The first 2 weeks I would start crying anytime I would think about my old life, meaning my life before Clair. The biggest triggers were Levi (obviously), Coldplay songs, Mumford & Sons songs, M83…Okay, lets be honest, pretty much ANY song would make me cry. Provo was a trigger (not ok because I live in Provo) and don’t get me started on wedding pictures. I just felt like my life was SO different WAY too fast. I wasn’t sure how Clair was going to change our lives and it gave me a lot of anxiety. As much as Levi understood how I was feeling, life wasn’t that much different for him. He was still sleeping through the night and going to work every day.
My sister in-law really shed some light upon my feelings on a day when I was trying to explain how I was feeling. She said, “You have to let your old life die.” That just sounded absolutely miserable to me! I don’t want to let my old life die, I love my old life! She continued, “I know it’s hard Sarah, but if you allow yourself to die, Christ will make a new life for you. It’s almost like He resurrects you from the dead. Death is scary and unknown to us and unless we allow ourselves to let go and trust God, we will be living in fear of it our whole lives.” Brilliant, right? She is amazing. Her words just rung so true in my heart. After hearing that I prayed super hard for the next few days for strength to let GO. (Insert overrated Frozen song here)
People always talk about how much better their life is with a baby, and happier. Don’t get me wrong I am happy, but I don’t think we need to be concerned so much with if it is better than it used to be. I think that’s the competitive nature inside of us to want things to be better than others, better than before, etc. But I think the danger in being worried about if life is better now, or happier now, is that we are much to focused on the wrong things. That idea suggests that if life isn’t “happier” or “better” then life isn’t good anymore. I believe that life can still be good when we are sad. Life can still be good when it is hard. Life can still be good when we are frustrated because our baby isn’t sleeping after 6 weeks. Life can still be good when we haven’t showered for a couple of days and have spit up on every single shirt left in our wardrobe. Life can still be good when deodorant doesn’t seem to work anymore. Life is still good even when your baby poops on your brand new white sheets (yes these are all true stories).
I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I realized that comparing my “old life” to my now “new life” wasn’t helping me to focus on the good presently. Yes my life is different, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good. I feel like in letting go of my “old life” I have given God the green light to come into my heart and help me to see the good in my life, to resurrect my life. That is why it is happier, because I have been able to let go of the past.
3 THINGS I’VE LEARNED IN 6 WEEKS
Crying isn’t a sign that you are a bad mother.
Clair has, what I like to call, a “five o clock freak-out” every day. Basically she just gets super tired but fights sleep. Thus the “freak-out.” One of these freak outs happened while I was at the mall and it was so hard not to cry out of frustration and embarrassment. I felt all the words I had ever whispered under my breath about moms who had screaming kids come back to bite me in the behind. I have learned that sometimes babies just cry and it isn’t a reflection on me as a mother.
Observe, rather than obsess.
At the beginning, I was really obsessed with helping her fall into a routine and schedule. I would have these expectations like, “ok it’s time for her nap and she should nap for at least an hour,” or “I really don’t want to feed her yet because it hasn’t been exactly 3 hours…” etc. However, what I have learned is that I was too obsessed with controlling her and not concerned enough with observing her. What I mean is that instead of me dictating when she should eat and sleep, why not just observe her and fall into a schedule that matches more of what she is feeling? After realizing this, I decided to observe her for a week straight, writing down each time she would eat, how long she was awake, and how long she would sleep. What I have found from doing this is that Clair is actually on a pretty good internal schedule as is. Her body knows exactly what she is needing! Yes there are times when she wakes up too early from a nap and I help her to go back to sleep, but I have found that I haven’t had to intervene near as much as before. I am not as stressed either because she doesn’t have to live up to any of my “expectations.” Mom and baby have been much happier and we are on a good schedule. Win, win.
There is true joy in motherhood
If you read my last post, you might be wondering how I am feeling after 6 weeks of motherhood. I wasn’t so sure about the whole mom thing, and honestly I still have no idea what I am doing, but I can say wholeheartedly that motherhood brings joy. I’m not really sure why to be honest, I just feel more fulfilled and content with my life. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything in life. I don’t feel like I am wasting away at home. I actually feel renewed and invigorated. I feel like I have a new zest for life that I didn’t have before. Clair just brings more life into my life and I am so grateful for her. Although it might seem like Clair is the more dependent one, I think I’m much, much more dependent on her. Thanks Clair bear. ❤