It was ridiculously stupid, hilarious and incredibly depressing all at the same time. Pathetic, really. You all know those moments. Here I was, sitting at the computer writing this super insightful post about adulthood, how it really is just a façade, and we are all just really big babies when poooooooooop. My flipping post was magically deleted. It was far from a magical experience though, I promise you that.
At that moment my entire composure completely melted, I slammed my computer down, attempted to crush it (thankfully my husband stopped me mid crush…I wasn’t thankful at the time, but I now am) and felt hot tears flush my face as I stormed off to my bed. Literally slammed my body onto the bed, face down, I might add, and kicked my legs up and down and screamed into my pillow.
Talk about an extremely pathetic and hilarious situation. In the very moment that I am writing about adulthood, my theory is proven in one freakishly fast “woooosh” of the computer. <side note: the woosh sound is all of my amazingly poetic and articulately placed words being swept away into the cyber black hole of no return, man I hate that place with all my heart.>
After sulking for a good forty five minutes, I returned to the living room where my husband helped me to realize that being angry was a complete and utter waste of my time.
This realization led me to the question that I think all of us face on a frequent basis.
Why do we give in to anger when anger feels so bad? It’s like we are gaining something from the world by being angry.
“Ha! I am angry world. I am taking something away from you. I win.”
When actually reality goes something like this…The world goes, “Ok. Be angry. I literally keep spinning without you and I am free of emotion…so, sucks to be you.”
Anger is like a big mac at McDonalds. We know exactly what we are getting ourselves into, we know the burger is mostly synthetic and processed, we know that the burger will make us fatter and cause our stomachs to churn and toss with discomfort…but we still EAT IT. I don’t get it?! We feel gross afterwards, but we still feel like we won something because we ate the burger.
Before this whole tantrum that I had, I was writing about childhood and how we really do have life figured out as children. We understand that fear doesn’t really exist. We don’t comprehend what hatred is, we only know to love and to love unconditionally. We trust without reservation. We run to feel the exhilaration, not to win. We don’t define or categorize people, we simply see things as they truly are. There isn’t a “normal” way to be so differences don’t make us feel uncomfortable. We are assertive-we know we are good at things, and other people are good at things too. We are vulnerable, we take risks, we believe in our dreams. We allow ourselves to believe and have faith.
I remember believing with all of my heart in leprechauns and fairies. I built them each a little house out of twigs and rocks. Each day I would put acorns inside of the houses and come back the next day to emptiness! The leprechauns and fairies ate them, obviously. I didn’t doubt, I didn’t worry. I just believed.
As we grow older…something happens. I can’t really pin point what it really is, but we call it “adulthood.” This façade starts to paint over our skin.
<façade: “an outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality.”>
So really what is happening is as “adults” we choose to conceal a less credible reality because in our world credibility is everything as far away from child-like as possible.
Adulthood means that you no longer are under the restraints of imagination, faith or vulnerability, those are childish things. We now have the opportunity to mask our big baby selves with pride, narcissism, and false confidence. We are now cynics, we love controversy, and trusting science and knowledge (solid evidence) over faith and belief. We love discussing money, business, and scholarly things. We don’t trust people, for that is foolish. Emotions aren’t cool, keep yourself composed as an adult. Tears make you look weak. Anger is ok when it’s used on people we don’t know or people we have control over. That’s part of being an adult leader-we lead with anger, fear and control. We love conditionally it feels like, I mean the smallest thing can cause us to stop treating our sister like our best friend and start treating her like our worst enemy because of a mistake that she made. That switch can be INSTANT. I just don’t get it.
Fear is now a real part of our life. We fear more than we trust. We live our lives with the paradigm that we aren’t good enough, we aren’t talented enough, we aren’t pretty enough, we are all just afraid.
Now, I know not every adult is like this, and some of this might not be true for all adults, but this is my perception generally of “adulthood,” just to clarify. I
Why is this the goal of life? Why is “adulthood” noteworthy and praiseworthy? Honestly, I don’t believe that we ever reach a point of adulthood. From the experience that I just shared with you, my temper tantrum of rage, my inner child came out. The child that let herself feel pain and show her emotions. The child that wanted to create something beautiful and was crushed when her dreams were destroyed. The child that just felt.
So really, my expression of anger was just my façade of adulthood coming out to cover my inner child, my most pure self.
I believe that we are all really just children. Somewhere along the way the world starts to teach us that “adulthood” is cool.
How I see it is that kids know what’s up.
There’s a reason that Jesus Christ invites us to “become as a little child.” It is when we allow ourselves to take off the mask, unveil our reality, wipe off the makeup, put down the façade, that we can finally be truly happy. We can finally let go of the falsehood of pride. We allow ourselves to believe, to trust, to dream, to love, to become our best selves.